The Art of Sanity

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As I sit here with a stomach full of butterflies, watching the election results, I can’t help but think about the future and how much hope I have for my own. That hope is even greater when I compare it to where I was 2 years ago. Somehow I have gone from having an uncertain future that included being in love with a drug addict to having a somewhat peaceful life ripe with potential.

Moments like these are the reason I wanted to start this blog. I wanted to share with other people how far I’ve come in the hopes that someone else who may be struggling with a mental illness will see that it CAN get better.

Two years ago, I didn’t believe that. I lived my life under a cloud of doom, believing that failure and misery were the only thing my destiny held. I had decided - twice - that death was better than this life.

Now I look back on those days and the idea of suicide seems so foreign to me. I can’t bring myself to imagine what things would be like now if my suicide attempts had been successful. My children, who I thought would be better off without me, would have been destroyed. My mother, who has put her own life on hold to save mine, would have been left with heartbreaking guilt.

And I would have missed so much. Not just the major personal things like taking my daughter trick-or-treating, my son’s school play, and my oldest daughter’s pregnancy…but I would not have lived to see the day when I would start my own business or the day this country elected its first black President.

When you’re battling the demons of depression and your mind can only see what’s wrong with your life, please just listen to that voice in the back of your mind, that tiny quiet little voice that tells you “this will pass.” Because it will. And if most of your waking hours are spent thinking that it won’t find someone or even something to remind you that it will.

• Try some of these tricks to get you through:
• Put sticky notes on your mirror.
• Wear a bracelet with your child’s birthstone on it.
• Read some of your favorite books from your childhood, the ones that helped you escape temporarily.
• Watch cartoons or your favorite comedies on DVD, especially if you’re having one of those days where you’re struggling to get off of the couch.
• Make yourself a mix of music that makes you feel good. (I’ve even used my alarm on my cell phone and set the alert tone to James Brown’s “I Feel Good” and I’ve set my phone ringer to “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley. Ya know, the one that says “Don’t worry ’bout a thing cuz every little thing is gonna be alright.”)

Your life isn’t going to improve overnight and in spite of what well-meaning loved ones will suggest, you know that you can’t just “shake it off” but what you CAN do is get through this next minute… this next hour… this next day.

You will need others to support you - family, doctors, therapists, sometimes even strangers - and you may need to rely on medications for a while but there is one thing that other people or drugs can’t do for you. The one thing that has to come from within is HOPE. Its in there, you just have to find it. And if you need some help looking for it, you let me know. I’d be more than happy to help and to point you in the right direction.

Well, if you are or you live with someone who is bipolar, you know every day is bipolar awareness day. But today its a national thing.

I’m going to post some facts about bipolar disorder here but, honestly, if you ever want to know what its really like to live with bipolar disorder…just ask me. Obviously I don’t mind talking about it and if there’s anything I can ever do to help someone else, I welcome the opportunity. And I promise, I don’t bite. I’m medicated.

From NAMI.org:

What is Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day?

Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day was created by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), originally supported by a grant from Abbott Laboratories, to increase awareness of bipolar disorder, promote early detection and accurate diagnosis, reduce stigma, and minimize the devastating impact on the nearly 6 million Americans presently affected by the illness. Part of NAMI’s Mental Illness Awareness Week, Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day takes place in 2008 on Thursday, October 9.

What is bipolar disorder?

Bipolar disorder, or manic depression, is a medical illness that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning. These changes may be subtle or dramatic and typically vary greatly over the course of a person’s life as well as among individuals. Over 10 million people in America have bipolar disorder, and the illness affects men and women equally. Bipolar disorder is a chronic and generally life-long condition with recurring episodes of mania and depression that can last from days to months that often begin in adolescence or early adulthood, and occasionally even in children. Most people generally require some sort of lifelong treatment. While medication is one key element in successful treatment of bipolar disorder, psychotherapy, support, and education about the illness are also essential components of the treatment process.

What are the causes of bipolar disorder?

While the exact cause of bipolar disorder is not known, most scientists believe that bipolar disorder is likely caused by multiple factors that interact with each other to produce a chemical imbalance affecting certain parts of the brain. Bipolar disorder often runs in families, and studies suggest a genetic component to the illness. A stressful environment or negative life events may interact with an underlying genetic or biological vulnerability to produce the disorder. There are other possible “triggers” of bipolar episodes: the treatment of depression with an antidepressant medication may trigger a switch into mania, sleep deprivation may trigger mania, or hypothyroidism may produce depression or mood instability. It is important to note that bipolar episodes can and often do occur without any obvious trigger.

I hate writing introduction posts. I never know what to say. I’m the type of person that would rather have people get to know me instead of just spilling out a bunch of random facts about me.

So let me start it off by sharing with you an article that was published this week in the Wall Street Journal. I was interviewed for this article by Elizabeth Bernstein with WSJ about the effect our declining economy is having on mental health treatment.

Here’s a link to the original article on Wall Street Journal and here are a few snippets:

In the latest sign of the deepening economic crisis, more people are considering cutting back on their mental-health therapy, even as they become more stressed.

Across the country, psychiatrists and psychologists say they are seeing an increasing number of patients who are worried about paying for treatment. Some are reducing the amount of time they spend in therapy. Others are trying to negotiate a reduced fee. And, despite doctors’ warnings that it can be detrimental, some patients are using tactics to make their medication last longer, such as taking half their dose. […]

April Jones, who lost her job as a paralegal last year, recently negotiated with both her therapist and her psychiatrist to continue treatment for her bipolar disorder at a rate she could afford. Ms. Jones, a single mother in Plattsmouth, Neb., had paid a $10 co-payment per session until her insurance ran out. After that, her out-of-pocket expenses jumped to $105 for her therapy appointments and $180 for her psychiatrist. She also had to pay for her medications out of pocket.

At first, Ms. Jones, 37, stopped seeing both medical professionals and even cut back on her medication, but her health quickly deteriorated. “I got depressed and lonely,” she says. “I couldn’t really do anything: The dishes and laundry piled up. I didn’t have the energy to give attention to my kids.”

Sliding Scale

She discussed her situation with her psychologist, who suggested she pay on a sliding scale, based on what she can afford. Her psychiatrist agreed to do the same. Now, she sees both her therapists less frequently, and pays just $5 for each session. She also applied to the patient assistance program at AstraZeneca PLC, and the pharmaceutical company now gives her her medication.

“It’s degrading and embarrassing to have to ask for help,” says Ms. Jones. But “it’s definitely life or death,” she says.

Yep, that’s me.Two years ago, I attempted suicide…twice. Since then I’ve been on a journey of recovery, learning to manage my mental illness instead of fighting it.

That’s why this blog is called The Art of Sanity. Its not something that just happens. There is no “cure” for mental illness. Maintaining one’s sanity is a work in progress.